syndelar (syndelar) wrote,

It's been a bad September. I'm glad it's behind me but it always comes down to the money. We're on financial aid from the state and I can usually make really good calculations on how much money we have and what needs to be bought and such and still have some left over for emergencies, but the money is just a third of an average Croatian sallary and that's barely enough to cover the essentials, not to mention the bills. As I said, I've gotten really good at making plans and doing the best I can with what little we have but the past month had five instead of four weeks because the money was late and money ran short. And I just...

I've been poor for the most of my twenties and what ever we had before while I was in school wasn't as bad but wasn't a lot so I know what it's like to be hungry. It's not new. But it's exhausting and demoralizing and it doesn't help that I have no help from my mother because she thinks it's now my time to take care of her. She's 54 and she's healthy and capable of work I wish I could say it's her depression talking, but that's just her nature and that just wears me down even more.

I had to drop out of marvel_bang and while I did sign up for sga secret santa and sga reversebang it makes me sad that I didn't have enough focus and strength to finish it in time. I'm still working on it and it'll be better for taking my time with it because it's not a short story (8000 words of bare bones) it's just another thing on the list of failures I have to add to the past month.

There were days I didn't want to get out of bed. I stopped reading, I stopped just enjoying things I usually do and I just wanted to sleep while it passes. It hasn't been this bad in a long while and two weeks later I'm still shaken by it.

But the money did arrive a few days before my 30th birthday and while I couldn't afford a celebration as such, I made myself a really good meal and refused to do or think about anything for the entire day except for reading some of my favorite stories and cuddling with the cats. in2lalaland called and sang me a happy birthday in both English and Swedish and it was a good, calm day. And in November I'm going to Sweden for her wedding and that makes me stupidly happy and something to look forward to.

We went for a last swim of the season (pics are below) and while it was cold somewhat it was beautiful and calm and ended the summer on a nice note. There's nothing as soothing as the sea.

Cats are great, Aya, the kitten is growing and I should get some new photos of her. She's big and healthy, though she did have a bit of a cold and she eats like an adult cat. I love her to bits.

I am working on some new stories and if anyone would like to go over what I have so far of my Bucky/Sam story and give some advice, I'd very much appreciate it. I want to do this right.
I'm also re-watching SGA because I missed the show after overdosing on it when watching it the first time and I do have stories to write.

The weather has fully changed to autumn and it's beautiful even if it is constantly raining, not too cold still and it is my favorite time of the year. Hopefully you're all doing okay and I'll go and comment on your post shortly because I have missed you all.

As a conclusion, the twenties have sucked, but I have hopes for the thirties.

Tags: about me, picspam

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